Dear I.J. (cute name!),
I don?t know how you?re going to tell, for certain, whether your?re in a transitional relationship right now, either.?Certainty isn?t often available, in the lab or in life; science is about odds, but rarely can it specify what will happen in an individual?s scenario.
Simply waiting to see what happens is fraught with risks to your time and emotions if it doesn?t work out. But let?s see if we can at least get you close to a better guess.
In general, despite stereotypes to the contrary, men like getting and being married/committed. Of all the men who remarry?and most do?half of them do it within three years of the divorce. This would hint that at least half the divorced guys who will ever re-wed are actually pretty serious about finding the right one and making a commitment, and that they aren?t so into the playing-the-field thing. After all, it?s usual for couples to date for one to two years before marriage, so if the norm is remarriage in three years, that leaves about one year to find someone new (exception: the men who already found someone new pre-divorce), and two to court and re-nup.
What about that other half of marriage-minded guys, though? Well, they?re taking longer to marry again, but still, it?s unclear whether they?re having multiple transitional relationships, or just don?t want another marriage, or what.
Which kinda guy are you dating? First off, what has he *done*? The best predictor of what any one of us will do in the future is what we?ve done in similar past situations?the Law Of Psychology.?What people will do really isn?t that big a mystery. Just find out what they?ve already done, and there you?ll see your odds spelled out.?If this guy has rebounded between serious relationships before, expect that he?s doing it again; if not, not.
Second, pay attention: What does he say? If he?s saying things about not wanting another commitment, or needing time before he gets serious again, etc., believe him. That could indeed be a sign that this relationship with you is temporary or transitory; he wouldn?t say those things if he were sure about choosing you.
Third, note his non-verbal behavior. What does he do? Studies show that women are usually focused on many non-verbal signs that a guy is committed to them. These signs are many and varied and individual. Does calling before he comes home mean a lot to you?and does he call? Has he asked to meet your parents, and proudly introduced you to his? Has he spoken of a future together? Has he asked for emotional and sexual exclusivity? Has he bought you jewelry, or some romantic gift that shows investment of time, money, and heart?
Finally?but perhaps most vitally?how do you *feel*? Women?s evolved psychology is finely attuned to signs that a man is or isn?t willing to commit; it?s literally a decision that could have meant life or death for a woman and her kids in the ancient past, and so it?s an area where our brains are clued in. It?s likely that this knowledge of how ?safe? a guy is, commitment-wise, is going to come to you *emotionally* far more than linguistically or logically. Emotions pre-date language, after all; emotions keep animals alive, and they?re here to help keep us alive as well.
So if you?re feeling uneasy about this man, then there may indeed be something to feel uneasy about. Look at his words and actions, yes?they?re constantly telling you his commitment level. But don?t overlook your own feelings in the process. They?re there for a reason, and that reason is to save you.
I hope that helps. Ultimately, the one person who can tell you whether someone is rebounding or unlikely to commit is you. Watch what he says, what he does, what he?s done in the past, and how you feel. Your answer is there.
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